I mowed my lawn today.. The smell of the fresh cut grass brought a flood of memories to my mind. Memories of a happier time, of innocence and hope. There was a sense of sadness. Where did that girl I once knew go? NOT that I would change anything that has happened over the past eight years, each experience has made me the woman I am today.. AND I like me! I like who I have become! I have fought long and hard to become her!
But I feel like I have taken a few steps backwards over the past couple of weeks. It feels almost toxic. Maybe I went against my better judgement, or maybe this is just part of the healing process… Two steps forward, three steps back..??
Emotionally, I think I have reverted back. I am feeling things I felt at the height of my divorce. I HATE feeling!!! Most times I don’t even know what to do with the emotions. Does that mean I am broken? I don’t feel broken. I feel more let down and disappointed! The tears have been flowing today.. and I just can’t seem to stop them.
“What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be.” (I don’t know who said that).
My current situation is definitely not one I would have ever imagined or hoped for, for that matter. But regardless of how shitty my reality is, there are MANY good things in my life! I have two great kids who keep me on my toes and more importantly, keep me laughing. Laughter IS the best medicine, is it not?! I have people who love and support me. And for the first time in a very long time, I can honestly say I am HAPPY! That’s something!
So, why am I feeling like this? I think stopped moving forward for a minute. I got stuck. Looking back I allowed things into my life that perhaps I shouldn’t have. Chalk it up to yet another learning experience, I guess. Looks like it is time to regroup and re-evaluate… AGAIN! I keep reminding myself that life is like riding a bike, in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving! Life is all about moving forward. Because at the end of the day, all we have is who we are, and if we are stagnant, in the same place, doing the same things, we are not living life the way it was meant to be… And you don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward… It is just one small step at a time.